Killer....

As much as I wish I'm dead, well I'm still alive. Nope, I didn't tried to jump off the AYE fly-over yet. Not that I have the courage to do so but it's just that I feel I have something else more worth of doing then thinking of the faster way to die. Yeah, something keeps me pinned down to Earth so I keep on living and try to do what's best.



Haha. Sounds ludicrous right? I guess so.



But there's something in my mind keeps bothering me. I don't know if I ever going to be a criminal or ever going to appear in the newspaper front page with my face on it and the headlines written in bold and big fonts saying,"Unforgivable Serial Killer."



I don't know why, I just have this feeling like how is it feels like to kill someone? What will my reaction be when I kill someone? What will I do after I kill that someone?



These question keeps popping out of my mind like as if some bug have infested my brain poisoning with all these killing thoughts. Sometimes I would even think how much blood would ooze out once I stab them in the stomach or the chest or maybe the head.



Would a kitchen knife would be strong enough to go through a thick skull? Or would it get stuck and then blood gushes out spraying like a sprinkler on the backyard or would it be like water leaking out slowly from a lose pipe?



I had no idea why but lately I have this desire to kill someone. Not because I hate that someone or what but just random. Yeah. Have I gone mad? No. Just curious but my desire of killing someone doesn't really exceed to the extend that I would choose my target, stalking them and recording everything they do and then when I found a loophole for me to kill them I make my move.



Well, I suppose. Since I plan that out in an instant it does make a good plan. Haha. I think I've really gone mad. Or maybe these movies that I've been watching just makes me have this urge to kill someone. Either when I'm angry or just plain curious.



Maybe I should go to the police or probably a Psychiatrist. I don't know why. Sometimes when I look at someone, I just keep thinking how would he/she would react when I kill them. Their expression on their faces. Would they cry in pain? Panic? Scream when they saw blood gushing out? (Just a little bit side track, a friend of mine used to be afraid of blood. His own blood that is. He would feel giddy or maybe I suppose fainted when see his own blood. So imagine if I stab someone who have phobia of his own blood and see lots of blood coming out of his body, would he faint and not scream or he forgotten to scream in pain because of the overwhelming frighten of his own blood? Curious eh?)



Gosh, I've got to do something. Yeah, kill someone. In my dreams. Haha. Well not that I didn't do it before. In my dreams. Yeah I really did in my dreams. I pointed a gun or revolver or what ever it is in my hand (could be a pepper spray) pointed at a guy and shot him. The only sad part was that when I shot him, he disappeared from my sight. Not magically, I turn away. Haha.



Criminal minds. Freaky aren't they. Sometimes people aren't born criminals but happen to be a criminal tragically. So here comes the question,"What are they thinking when they are executing the crime? What is going on in their mind? Was it because of their desire so strong to achieve it in a bad way that it clouded their doubts to even worry of the consequences? Or was it that plain fun to them to do such things?"



I could add up more question but it leaves me to more question and no answers. Well actually there is answers but why in killing someone to be a solution? Take it if it's not a robbery or hijack but killing randomly without reasons. Why is that? Sometimes I wonder if my feeling of killing someone would lead me to become a random serial killer with no reasons but the curiosity of seeing blood flowing of a human body. Maybe I should be a doctor and work in the Operating Theater. Haha.



But again I would answer, it's not the same. Cutting a human body from the state of unconsciousness is different from someone who's conscious. Difference? One is sleeping soundly unaware of what's going on so when the skin is being cut on a numb skin by the what ever thing they use to make it numb no increase of blood pressure or screamed of pain or blood gushing out like a sprinkler. On the other hand, a conscious person would panic and scream in pain and the increasing rate of blood pressure will cause the blood gushing out like a sprinkler. Haha. Sadistic aren't I?



Remember Hannibal? Sometimes I also feel how is it.. Well you know, the taste of a brain. Human brain. I still remember those images. That an opened human skull and he's still conscious. His brain was being cut and cooked, fried I suppose and I do wonder how would it taste like since it looks soft. Must have been like MnMs. Melt in your mouth not in your hands but in this case the taste isn't candy chocolate.


Haha. I don't know what's going on in my head. Anyway it's not just recently I've felt this way, been a long time. Just that this year, it's stronger. Not to worry, I'm still sane. I won't do it these things. As curious I would get but I don't think I've broke the limitation of my insanity yet. Just don't make me insane. You don't want to be the first in my list. Well, make that second. I think I got my first. If he breech the limits.



RedRulz

Beautiful day..

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A wish come true. I guess it was more like after few years. Haha. Not that I asked for it every year but I think two years ago. For a day to have grey sky, cold wind and beautiful sky in the night. Yep, that day was yesterday.



Most of you all know, yesterday I turn 24. Yeah, old man. already two cycles completed. Haha. You know, every 12 years is where your peak moments. Like when you were 12 you were taking your PSLE where is your first step to teenage hood. Now at 24 is where you suppose to choose your life what and how you want to live. Being carefree and simple minded, I still don't bother about that.



Still it's not like I'm slacking and not working. I do. Part time. Still in the 'play mode' kind of work. Not a serious one. People keep asking me what do I want to do what interests me, I replied, no idea. Haha. If you ask me what I like to do, sleeping. Haha. What I'm interested to do, hmmm, that's a tough one because there's a lot. Video games, animation, sounds and musics, cooking and still lots of others just that I can't remember them now.



Still if I just can't decided what to become, I guess then it'll be easy for you to spot me at one of the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf outlet. I might just be a manager there. Don't ask for free drinks! Just kidding.



Anyway I would like to thank all my friends who wished to me yesterday on my birthday. I know this blog shows it's on 29th May 2008 but today is really the 30th May 2008 today. I don't know what's wrong with the system it kinda sucky that the website timing is different from our own timing in Singapore. Yes my birthday falls on 29th May every year as long as I live. I know it's not that easy to remember as I also sometimes don't remember your birthday mixing up with someone else's birthday.



I still remember Ririn wish me 2 months earlier. Haha. Seriously she message me,"RedRulz Happy 22nd(I think) Birthday!!" Then I replied,"Like 2 months in advance?" Haha. That was really a good laugh. I can't really remember which year it was but sure it's a memory I'll have for a very long time. What do I do without you Ririn. My days will be so boring. Haha.



Yesterday some of my friends meet me up to have a so called small party dinner with me. Right after I watch The Chronicles of Narnia, The Prince Caspian with my two nieces I met them after that. My secondary school mate that is. They treat me to Swensens at Holland Village. Sad though that we didn't get to eat the ice cream as the service was terribly slow. Either they were shortage of staff or it's just too jammed packed. My friend lost patience and we decided to cancel off our ice cream order. Sad but what to do but I do pity the manager, guess she did had lots of trouble that day. Hopefully she gets to peace her mind.



So yesterday wasn't bad at all. Pretty much is what I wanted. Cooling day and beautiful night sky. Which reminds me, exactly at 12.40am on 29th May 2008 as I was walking to the new park beside Jurong Point, that was the most stars I've seen in my neighborhood. The sky was really clear and I could see lots of them. The beauty of nature, not many appreciate it.



I've just look outside the window and something struck me again but then again, I think I just let it pass, I won't blog about it. I'll just let it go. I guess in time, I'll be better. Anyway to those who haven't wish me birthday or you thought it was too late, well you still can. All because I was born at 6.50pm so you still got time until 6.49pm today. As in 30th May 2008.



So once again thank you for the wishes and I'll see ya when I see ya.

Something to add. Being alone on your birthday , it's not that bad. It just let you have more time to think of what you want to do in life. Keep that in mind.




RedRulz

Look out your window..

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Hmm.. What shall I blog about today's posting? I know it has been like 24 days right after I post about my regrets, my past and other stuff but as much as I would like to do interesting post it just goes away and I'll be talking more on life, my life and future.



Irritating isn't it? I mean when sometimes you feel like it's a good thing to talk about and you have all the ideas and stuff but once you've reached home, it just went down the drain and you totally forgot about it. What I always have, Short Term Memory. Guess the older you get, the more forgetful you'll become but I believe in my case, distracted.



Well I guess I have no choice then, been thinking about this topic for a very long time. Well let's say it had been in my mind since the first time I started this blog. Well it's still going to be about life but this is pretty interesting to me though. Because as someone who always type his stuff, playing his game, chatting with friends and other duties as well on the computer, thinking about life have never been less interesting in my thoughts.



So before I start, let my ask you. Where is your computer located at? Living room? Bed room? Kitchen? Toilet?(I hope that's a water proof computer you're having) Well, where exactly it's being placed? On your bed? On the computer table? In the middle of the room? Still I guess the most important question of all, what floor are you staying on?



As for me, at my own home, my computer is in my dad's room and I stayed on the second floor just the room is on the third floor and it's placed right beside the window. Through the window I can see the next flats which shows the kitchen of the next flats and lots of time I could see the elderly either drying laundry or staring at the sky and I totally had no idea why.



Right now I'm staying with my sister and now I stay on the fourth floor and the computer is placed in the living room and again it's beside the window. Well this time it's a huge window and you can see a lot and again it's the kitchen I see but this time I can't really see if anyone is doing laundry. Yeah I know what you are thinking. Is RedRulz fetish about who's doing the laundry or RedRulz must have been wanting to steal the undergarments? Right. You hit the jackpot. In HELL. No way. That's like eww..



So let's come to my point. About life. When the first time I saw the elderly doing the laundry it make me think, what happen to her son or daughter? How come no one is helping them? So I stop and think for the various reasons that could come up with. If I were to be optimistic they are at work. If I were to be pessimistic I would say they left them there alone after got married and better jobs. So then again even if they really at work, don't you feel that your parents should rest and not do too much household chores? I mean they have been taking care of you since you're a baby and now your a grown man and woman, don't you think you should do it yourself?



I mean pretty much, is that how you would expect them to do when they got older? What happen if there's accident while they were doing those chores? They aren't getting any stronger by the minute. Even if they say they are fine, at least help them or tell them you can manage to do it on your own. For goodness sake you're a grown person now. Well my point is that don't stressed up your parents doing those jobs anymore, it's just not fair especially when you're still young and can manage those jobs. Come on. It's your clothes your wearing, you should clean up your own mess not them.



Still laundry was not the only thing I thought about. As normal I would get, I always pun myself in their shoes. When I'm 50, will I be like them? Ok maybe not 50, like my parents both retired at the age of 60, so would I be like them? Cleaning up and be like a 'maid' for my kids when I'm not working? I mean by that age I won't be as strong as I used to be. Maybe lifting 10kgs of rice is no longer easy for me I might need to use a trolley, bending over to pick up something for the floor is no longer easy too as it could hurt my back. So then again, would that be a life I want to have while waiting for the angel of death to claim my soul? I don't think so.



I rather concentrate on my prayers 5 times a day, reciting the Quraan after each prayers and rest when I need to. Yep. No work. No household chores. Come on think about it. You've been living stressed up for the past let's say your peak period is about from 28 to 52 that's full 24 years of stressed level of working your ass off trying to get pay raise, take care of your babies, doing household chores, make sure you have food on the table and bills to pay not forgetting the debts you have to clear. Don't you think you deserve better living after that?



Just imagine right after you've reach the same age as your parents and before that you've never even done once in your life doing laundry and when your sons and daughters expect you to do it, now that is what I called karma. Yeah, people would say, don't be ridiculous, I won't be living that way, I'll hired a maid. Right, that is one of the way, if you have the money. What if by the time you retire the money you have is not even enough for the rest of your life and only God knows for how long more you're living?



See this is what I mean, as the technologies advances and more services could help our standard of living, we take simple things as doing our own household chores for granted knowing we could always hired someone to do it. Especially maids agencies nowadays is available almost anywhere. Especially at Bukit Timah Shopping Centre, right Ririn?



So who am I getting at? I'll spell out in caps and dashes, S-P-O-I-L-T-B-R-A-T. Kids nowadays don't do things by themselves lately. They go to school with their parents sent them to school carrying their bags. Best thing of all, they need air-cons not fans, they rather take the bus even it's just a 15 minutes walk, they rather eat in restaurant then eating at the hawker centre just because hawker centre doesn't provide air-con services.




How I wish that I could sent them off for a simple-life training. I guess then it would make myself at ease. Well seriously I'm not targeting at kids as in primary school students, but secondary and above. I know. If even by tertiary level and you still act like the world owes you, I'm so going to be a serial killer instantly. Kidding.


Even if you're not a kid anymore maybe a working person, have the courtesy of at least lighten their burden. You asked me? Well I'm blessed with good wealth that my family could afford maids but it wasn't to take care of my parents, well that's just too personal to talk about maybe as and when I feel or have the courage I could talk about it. Maybe. So how could you lighten their burden? Do your own laundry in the morning once you've awake if you can afford it, hire a maid. If you hired a maid, do treat them good. I'll talk about that matter some other time.



So I leave it to your thoughts about what you want to achieve when you've reach the age of 60. Me you ask, I've already said it but anyways, I've already said in the previous blog too.


"I don't want to live more than the age of 34. I have my reasons."



So if you want to think about life easily, place your computer beside the window and look outside of it. Definitely something will trigger you. If outside your windows are trees and more trees, gosh, are you living in the jungle? Haha. Well I'll talk about that some other time.




RedRulz.

Hurts.. Take Me Away..

Have you guys ever thinks that sometimes noticing some thing that is so peculiar keeps popping out right in front of you suppose to mean something? Like a favorite song of yours keeps playing on the radio on three different stations that you happen to change on different timings that they happen to play your song, do you ever feels that it means something?



I know I feel it all the time. That the things that happening around me suppose to be a message that is telling me that either it's good or bad. For an example, if I ever to listen to the radio and every time I hear "Don't Speak" by No Doubt is being played on the air, means I'm going to have a sad week or month as either relationships going bad or sad memories will be remembered.



If I were in the bus and I noticed that only a handful of guys in the bus and lots of ladies in the bus means that I'm going to have one of a hectic day and if it's the opposite instead it's going the best day ever.



I know it's kinda weird but it is true that I do notice these kind of things almost every time. It would never be like if I were to wear red color means it's my lucky day if I wear black I'm going to be unfortunate.



Anyways that's not the point of why suddenly I decided to update this fast within a week. It's more of a heart matter and funny that it still hurts reminiscing of my past love.


Been over two years and remembering it just kills me. Either because the love still exist within me or I just feel like I would love to try for another go. I told my friend that I still remember that moment and seriously it was the best. Nope. Not the sexual way because it was more, innocent. Yes I would define it as a decent and innocent relationship as we've never even touch each other.



Was something that feels so pure that good? I don't know. It's almost as if like you feel respected that I will wait for the right moment to happen kind of thing but sadly it didn't happen. Lucky or unlucky? Either thoughts, no one's loss but just sad it didn't go as far as I would had expected.



Earlier I watch this malay movie titled "Suara Kasih" I think. Acted by Fauziah Ahmad Daud, and my sister and her husband says that it was a true story of her with her first love.



It was really sad having to lose someone just because of the 'ranking' factor because of family wealth involve. I totally hate that kind of person who look down on someone who's no one special but just normal people without having to know the person well. Hell do that think that they are special because they have wealth? Sure it's good to have them but love and money doesn't suits each other.



I really feel sad watching that story. Good thing I wasn't alone while I was watching it. If I did, I can bet you I'll be needing a pillow and lots of tissue papers. Haha. (emo bastard, can't help it.) Not only because I'm emotional, I did lost someone whom I can't even compete with. Nope not ranking, this is more of a religious side. Well I moved on from that.



Anyways I just don't know why I feel very hurt after watching that. Was it because I felt her pain or was it because the pain was remembered? Yes and this time I'll say it but I won't do it. I would love to go to a high place right now and just jump down freely into hell.



Sometimes I do question myself, why do happiness coexist with sadness? Why do pleasure coexist with pain? I mean why do we have to go through all the ups and downs at the same time? Why can't everyone just be happy and problem free? Which brings to why do problems always arise small but the solutions are always difficult to solve?



Was that you called life? I guess so. So to those people who don't gain hardships and torture means they have no life? I don't know. Maybe life means something else or more than just hardships. Up until now no one knows the meaning of life. To be breathing and walking and seeing the people you treasure most, I guess that fits more of the meaning of being alive. Haha.



As optimistic I could get, maybe hardships are the process of living and part of the meaning of life. Maybe the meaning of life is to experience the good and the bad things in this world and have faith with your Creator praying to Him that one day you will be bless by Him in life and hereafter.




I guess you could use that for the meaning of life. Anyways as we all know, we don't live in this world forever. We will die one day. Maybe I could die right after I post this blog no one knows. We don't set the future but we plan it, it's all up to Him to decide.



Am I being religious right now? Well, not really, but deep in my heart, I do have faith.

The next thing I'm going to say is seriously what I want and it's not a joke. I don't want to live more than 34 years.

Why?



I have my reasons.




RedRulz.

Regrets, Confusions, Life...

Even before reading what's coming up next, I got myself confuse reading the text I just wrote below. So to save up your time since WE are dying with every breath we take, don't read it if you think reading about someone's life is boring or maybe because of what I write is nonsense or doesn't make sense but either way just put they little effort by clicking the 'X' button on the top right corner or just press Alt + F4. Sorry for taking your time.


Every time I wanted to write something it always have its way of slipping out of my head. Either I was distracted by someone's blog or just happen to forget about it. Well I guess this time I have something to help me think. This song that is playing in my blog.



As sad I would actually think, the tunes and the lyrics kinda makes me think of my past. It's always been my past. I just love to see it again and recall and analyze it which brings me to this thing I had in mind for quite sometimes and everyone whom can think or maybe don't even need to think knows this word. Regrets.



When I finished my PSLE. I know I couldn't go to the express stream just how my brother did when he scored an aggregate of 209 or 215 something like that. At the time of my PSLE I scored 187. My mum says I was about either 10 - 15 points away to get into the express stream.



When I was in my secondary school I kind of did well in my studies just I sucks at History and Literature so when come to sec 3 I took English, Mathematics, Combine Science (Physics n Chemistry), Mother Tongue, Geography, Principles of Accounts and Art. N level I was suppose to scored 3 1s for my best subjects which was POA, Mathematics and Combine Science. Instead I got 2 for each of them.

Comes the best of the best part of my studies, GCE 'O' Levels. I dropped Geography just because I don't want to see someone in my class not that I didn't have interest in the subject and in the end, I didn't do well in my 'O's. Scored about 21 points but got D7 for English and all my courses I had in mind couldn't be selected so I went to the IT line instead.



Comes to Polytechnics met lots of friends and kinda enjoy a lot and skipping classes and do keep track of our own attendance as there's a limit to the absentees if not your barred from the exams. Well that didn't go through well. Kicked out so that a full stop in my education. Well I thought it was a comma.



NS life came and I got to think all those thing I done in the past.

What if I didn't play Warcraft 2 and Diablo while I was taking my PSLE, would I get a better aggregate?

What if I tried really hard in attaining grade 1 for my sec 1 subjects, would I be better in the express stream in sec 2?

What if I drop all my internet gamings and my so called stupid love life I had in poly times, would I have passed my subjects and be holding a diploma right now and being the only in the family to hold a diploma?

Regrets. People says there's no point in regretting. It can't change the past nor help you along the way how you would lead your life.

So if you don't regret what do you do then? They'll say, lift up your head high and try not to repeat the same mistakes again.

Easier said then done. As much as I would love to see the life that way, that's a dream life.


Most of the people in this would regrets doing that they do. Either what they did benefits them or not. Why? Because only when actions have been made, they would realize then I could have done a better outcome. Now that is being greedy.

Just like betting. After winning a bet that you placed for a dollar because you only have two dollars left in your pocket and you won the bet. In the back of your mind if you're greedy," I should have bet both my dollars and get the prize money doubled!"

Even if it is just a little feeling it's still regret.


Sex. Now that's something very wide and great example. For all those who have gone through it's process, hell yeah it felt good. As simple as it is as a package of a male sexual organ feels in the warmth place of a female sexual organ, sure it felt good and undeniably great but how would you feel when you find out she got someone sleeping in that tummy of hers? Scared? Shocked? Fear? Don't tell my Regret is not one of them?

Sure everyone will say,"Is he stupid? Doesn't he knows to shoot outside not in? What can't afford condoms?" One, stupid maybe yes, in the first place if you have thought of the consequences of that she might get pregnant and willing to take responsibility go ahead if not you're stupid. Two, ejaculation. Hell not everyone born with a remote explosions have you heard of premature ejaculation? Three, condoms. Even with a condom it doesn't give you 100% protections. Possibility of a breakage or maybe yes couldn't afford it.


Now this brings me to these group of people whom I've recently thought of too. Tattoo lover. They just seems to love putting body arts on them self. Sure it looks sexy and kinda manly too but have you thought of the long range? I mean, you won't really have regrets in having a tattoo on you and even when you've age and your skin gets wrinkled and your tattoo actually look wrinkly. I'm not saying they are stupid or what, it's just that I was wondering don't they regret of having such big tattoos and undeniably cool tribal tattoos on their body that when time ages it'll look horrible? For me I guess I would. Haha. A boy full or regrets. (points at myself.)


So what's my point? Well basically in life no one have ever in their every beat of their heart and every air they gasp just to keep themselves alive feel regret of what they do in life. No matter how much you tried to deny it all of us have this regret feeling deep in our hearts.



Just like how I feel every time. Regret. My school. My love life. My family. Myself. But I don't feel depressed at all. I just hope to have a better chance to do over again. If I were even given a chance. As much as I miss that someone, miss school and more importantly, miss having myself right beside me. No this is no ghost joke. It's just a saying that I've been wanting to be in everyone shoes but I forgot which one is mine.



Now after all that, I just feel lost but no matter what, I'm still going to every opportunity I had. I guess it's the only thing that keeps me moving in this world.



So did I regret the life I'm going through now?

As a matter of fact, yes, but there's always a reason why it happen right? Just think of this, God works in His own mysterious way for us to reveal it slowly but after knowing the truth, yes regrets may arrive but no matter what have installed for us, just keep on moving forward. Maybe that dream life of ours could be waiting. Or we've already achieved it without knowing it.



RedRulz.

Truth is out..

This will be my first time updating at my sister's home. Like, finally she got an internet at home. Nowadays I've been staying with her, pretty much the weekdays. Only weekends I'll be going home just to save up on transportation that is and another some private stuff which I rather keep it to myself. No point in saying it here as it's a family matter.



So I guess even a free and easy willed guy have a sensitive side eh? Who doesn't? Everybody have a heart and a brain to think to act as it own free will but what happen to someone when he or she started to depend on people's thought too much? What is he or she trying to convey? You can't think for yourself that you keep thinking I better check for a second opinion so that my life will be perfect.



What? Are you insane? What are you taking your life as? That one downfall means dooms day? Look up to the sky and smell the carbon monoxide. We are dying as every breath we take. You sure didn't think of that do you? Nothing can be perfect in this world. There's always be some flaws that you will go through and if you manage to perfect it on your own, you excel dependency.



What's this horoscope thing? Come on. You know your life better than some fake stuff guide. Not all the words they pour at you mean that's who you are. You life aren't something to be controlled or to be told. It's your choice and yours alone. Who are they to tell you what to do and how to lead your own life?



Yes I couldn't agree more even they are your friends but how do you know if your friends are not trying to pull you down. They may sound right but still the decision is still yours to make. Not them. You could seek advice but not asking cheat codes. Hell they don't even exist in the real world.



So what I'm trying to get at? Be Independent. Show us that you can stand up on your own two feet without using us as crutches. It have been painful to us even sometimes I don't even bother but it hurts me seeing my own friend being scrutinized badly right in front of me. Not that I blame them but it does kills me that I can't help it but to agree with them. Not because they are my friends but because it's a fact that facts doesn’t comes from a fictional story books.



Well that's off my chest, now I'm going to say something else. Something I've keep for so long.



First of all I would like to thank all my friends in my life for being a good friend to me. My 'rotten' mates. Sorry if I didn't get to meet up with you guys. I just feel like timing is not right and the group how we used to be are like different and I just feel outdated. Haha. Anyway there isn't a proper plan of meet up and that's why last minute calls don't work anymore. It's hard being famous.



Sorry to my poly mates for sometimes couldn't answer your calls and not getting to meet up often too. Like I've said it's hard being famous as so many people meeting me up and looking at you guys just feel different to me. You guys went ahead so far I just feel left out and I just feel I don't belong there. I'm one of those screwed up bastard that got trashed out of school just because two fucked up lecturers don't know how to teach their students and my repeated partner been busy plucking her pussy pubes that she also didn't thought of meeting me up to do our projects. So that's that and I just feel out.



Sorry to my GH cbtl mates. Even though as now I don't really talk to you guys or even contact all of you but I just feel sorry for being a bad friend. After I went for NS I just couldn't catch up with you as though I found a new family I throw you away. Been too long and I really don't know where to start to make it up. So I'm just so sorry.



My Eagles brothers in tekong and 4SIR. Great knowing you guys and I hope to see all of you soon no matter where ever we meet. If you see me do acknowledge me. I might be having another pair of eyes but my mind is somewhere else. Sorry to those who have seen me but I didn't acknowledge back. Maybe my mp3 was deafening my mind I forgot to say hi or maybe I was too shy to tell you that,"Oh you look familiar. Who are you again?" Some friend am I?



My entity family. Life has never been less fun with you guys. Everywhere and every time we are together laughter never miss us. Not forgetting those scary nights and freaky experience we've been through in those haunted places and after those experiences we had a good laugh about it. Sure it was fun but seems like the family getting smaller and smaller. I just wish we could go back the same as how we were and no hidden loops with killing vengeance on each other.



My secondary school friends thank you for the thick and thins going through our lives. It has been fun and really, meeting you guy up just feels like we are back in our 5 years of our teenage life again. Seems like things have never really change in our attitudes and sure, old jokes are still the best. The bowling and pool sessions sure gives us time to reminisce our old times.



So frankly, I feel I'm a bad friend and I just feel I don't deserve the credit that most of my friends give to me. To me every passing moment is a great memory which I just don't know what happen or what went wrong that changes everything. Was the word growing up? Or was the word called moving on? It's still clueless to me but one thing for sure.



I may not be there, but you're still in my mind.


RedRulz.

Lost..

Sometimes things going on around my life just makes me thinking. What do I want in life? Being the age of 23 and soon to be 24 I still can't decide what I really want in life. As stressful I am thinking about it over and over again I just seems not to have any ambition towards my life in the future. I don't even know what or where do I see myself in 5 years time to come.


Everyone in my life seems like to move on so perfectly. Having better educations, better jobs, getting married, having kids on their own and so on. Me? I just have, nothing. The time when my life stops improving was after my poly days. After I was kicked out from school, which lots of my friends keep saying that I QUIT, it just stop.


Love suck and I don't even know what is actual love. What was the true reason to have a companion by your side? What does watching movie with the person you love most was suppose to mean? What does spending time with the person you love suppose to make any difference from your own friends? Does having a companion means you have a new life or is it important to have a companion?


My opinion, they are just same normal people around you. There's not much different from your own friend. Just that friends don't kiss, hug you while watching a movie or sent you home to your door steps and give a peck on the side of the lips before you close the doors. So was that the reason why we want a companionship in our life or was it another reason? What is it?


Jobs. I'm ok with anything. You teach me, I learn and I'll do my job to the fullest. Not giving myself credit but this is what I see about myself when ever I got a job. Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf (CBTL). One of the job I enjoyed the most. First it started awkwardly and too many things to remember but soon after I could do things with my eyes close. Not literally though. Then I started meeting new people, hearing work gossips, late nights makan sessions and not forgetting clubbing sessions. Haha. Sadly it ended when I got myself into army.


Then in the army was my most peaceful days of my two years life. I didn't had to worry about school, work or a job. All I had to do was make my sergeants and sirs happy and I'm free to go. Even if I had to be their dog it was perfectly fine to me because I know I didn't disturb them so they won't disturb me.


Now army had ended and I planned to go back to school to start fresh. While waiting for results I start to work part time in a photocopying shop. Easy job and seriously was much better then CBTL. Sadly plan didn't go well as my application wasn't successful. Shit happens. Best of all I didn't have a contingency plan. I was seriously hoping so badly to go back to poly. I guess NYP barred me forever from going to another poly then or it wasn't just my luck.


So what do I do next? I guess I can't help it then, learning how to drive. Since it's my mum's wish and she's sponsoring me so I'll just take that offer. I don't want to go back CBTL just as yet. I want to try new other jobs. FnB are just a playing thing to me. I want to try like office and want to know what do they mean by office politics and stuff. Then again with my only O level certificate I guess I can't go anywhere much.


I guess my life couldn't get any much better or it could be in a slow pace right now. Well either way I hope it could just speed up a little bit. As of right now I just feel like being alone is the best thing for me. Need to do a little of soul searching. Not on love but my life. I just need to find a purpose and a reason for me in this world.



I really miss my army life.

RedRulz.