Killer....

As much as I wish I'm dead, well I'm still alive. Nope, I didn't tried to jump off the AYE fly-over yet. Not that I have the courage to do so but it's just that I feel I have something else more worth of doing then thinking of the faster way to die. Yeah, something keeps me pinned down to Earth so I keep on living and try to do what's best.



Haha. Sounds ludicrous right? I guess so.



But there's something in my mind keeps bothering me. I don't know if I ever going to be a criminal or ever going to appear in the newspaper front page with my face on it and the headlines written in bold and big fonts saying,"Unforgivable Serial Killer."



I don't know why, I just have this feeling like how is it feels like to kill someone? What will my reaction be when I kill someone? What will I do after I kill that someone?



These question keeps popping out of my mind like as if some bug have infested my brain poisoning with all these killing thoughts. Sometimes I would even think how much blood would ooze out once I stab them in the stomach or the chest or maybe the head.



Would a kitchen knife would be strong enough to go through a thick skull? Or would it get stuck and then blood gushes out spraying like a sprinkler on the backyard or would it be like water leaking out slowly from a lose pipe?



I had no idea why but lately I have this desire to kill someone. Not because I hate that someone or what but just random. Yeah. Have I gone mad? No. Just curious but my desire of killing someone doesn't really exceed to the extend that I would choose my target, stalking them and recording everything they do and then when I found a loophole for me to kill them I make my move.



Well, I suppose. Since I plan that out in an instant it does make a good plan. Haha. I think I've really gone mad. Or maybe these movies that I've been watching just makes me have this urge to kill someone. Either when I'm angry or just plain curious.



Maybe I should go to the police or probably a Psychiatrist. I don't know why. Sometimes when I look at someone, I just keep thinking how would he/she would react when I kill them. Their expression on their faces. Would they cry in pain? Panic? Scream when they saw blood gushing out? (Just a little bit side track, a friend of mine used to be afraid of blood. His own blood that is. He would feel giddy or maybe I suppose fainted when see his own blood. So imagine if I stab someone who have phobia of his own blood and see lots of blood coming out of his body, would he faint and not scream or he forgotten to scream in pain because of the overwhelming frighten of his own blood? Curious eh?)



Gosh, I've got to do something. Yeah, kill someone. In my dreams. Haha. Well not that I didn't do it before. In my dreams. Yeah I really did in my dreams. I pointed a gun or revolver or what ever it is in my hand (could be a pepper spray) pointed at a guy and shot him. The only sad part was that when I shot him, he disappeared from my sight. Not magically, I turn away. Haha.



Criminal minds. Freaky aren't they. Sometimes people aren't born criminals but happen to be a criminal tragically. So here comes the question,"What are they thinking when they are executing the crime? What is going on in their mind? Was it because of their desire so strong to achieve it in a bad way that it clouded their doubts to even worry of the consequences? Or was it that plain fun to them to do such things?"



I could add up more question but it leaves me to more question and no answers. Well actually there is answers but why in killing someone to be a solution? Take it if it's not a robbery or hijack but killing randomly without reasons. Why is that? Sometimes I wonder if my feeling of killing someone would lead me to become a random serial killer with no reasons but the curiosity of seeing blood flowing of a human body. Maybe I should be a doctor and work in the Operating Theater. Haha.



But again I would answer, it's not the same. Cutting a human body from the state of unconsciousness is different from someone who's conscious. Difference? One is sleeping soundly unaware of what's going on so when the skin is being cut on a numb skin by the what ever thing they use to make it numb no increase of blood pressure or screamed of pain or blood gushing out like a sprinkler. On the other hand, a conscious person would panic and scream in pain and the increasing rate of blood pressure will cause the blood gushing out like a sprinkler. Haha. Sadistic aren't I?



Remember Hannibal? Sometimes I also feel how is it.. Well you know, the taste of a brain. Human brain. I still remember those images. That an opened human skull and he's still conscious. His brain was being cut and cooked, fried I suppose and I do wonder how would it taste like since it looks soft. Must have been like MnMs. Melt in your mouth not in your hands but in this case the taste isn't candy chocolate.


Haha. I don't know what's going on in my head. Anyway it's not just recently I've felt this way, been a long time. Just that this year, it's stronger. Not to worry, I'm still sane. I won't do it these things. As curious I would get but I don't think I've broke the limitation of my insanity yet. Just don't make me insane. You don't want to be the first in my list. Well, make that second. I think I got my first. If he breech the limits.



RedRulz