The peak of my suffering..

Time.

That's something I don't have much.
Time, it's something I've wasted so much.
Time, it's something is precious to everyone.
Time, it's something I believe I'm running out of.

My heart pounding harder nowadays.
My brain feels dead.
My body feels light and heavy at the same time.
I feel tired all the time.

Is it time?
For me?
Is it a sign?
Or is it a warning?
I don't know.
What's wrong with me?

I can't sleep at night.
At times when I'm suppose to be sleeping, I'm walking.
I'm watching.
I'm typing.
I'm talking.
I'm playing.
But never sleep.

5 hours a day.
Am I destroying myself?
Or am I becoming Insomniac?
Why am I this way?
Why didn't I just go to sleep?
Why do I keep myself awake?
And why the short hours?
Was it because I'm scared to dream?

I'm the Dreamer.
The dreams that I dream came true.
Am I starting to fear my own dreams?
Probably?
Or I just want myself to suffer?
I don't know what do I want anymore.
Seems to me my life is pointless.

Pressured.
Something I'm not good at handling.
Feels like giving up.
Am I giving up now?
Of the things I've been fighting for?
My own happiness.
My own peace.
My own love.
My love.

Tears.
Why do they come out when I wanted to give up my life?
Do I feel regrets?
Am I scared of the pain?
Or I was thinking of the people that will mourn for me?
My friends.
My family.
My loved ones.
Yes.
I suppose so.

So I must live on.
I need to see this chapter through.
I need to stay strong.
I need to be strong.
For my love one.
For my future.
For the sake of our future.
I need to know how the story continues.
And hopefully, it'll take to the end of my last breathe.
I love you.
So please stay with me.

I'm sorry.
I'm so into you.
I need you.
So please, stay with me.
I promise, I'm staying with you.
No matter what happens, I'll always love you.
Nothing can change my mind.
No one can change my mind but you.
As right now, I'm yours to command.
Call me crazy.
I am.
Crazy about you.

Together we are unstoppable.
Together we'll supporting one another.
In our ups and down.
We'll go through it all.
Together, we can accomplish anything.
And together, we are complete as one.
I love you.

25th May 2009, 9.50pm.
RedRulz

Forgive me...

I wish to live happy but sadness is what I got.
I wish to love somebody but in the end hating myself more.
I wish to live with someone but ended up they left me alone.
I just want to make them happy but I suffered instead.
What am I to this world?


Why life ain't happy always?
Why can't life be always full of laughter?
Why can't I enjoy all those?
Why do someone I love have to go?
Why did they choose that path?
How can they be so blind?


My life and theirs lived differently.
We both being brought up differently.
But I believe we both need someone to lean on.
So why can't they lean on to me?
Why do they always thinks they found a way but still doing the problems?
Was it all reasons or was it all fake?
Either way none solve their problems at all.


Why was I so blind?
Why didn't I see these coming?
Why am I being given this gift?
Why am I a dreamer?
Dreams that I have are opposite to the real world.
God, why did you gave me this gift?


Why only I feel this pain?
Why can't they feel what I feel?
Why can't normal people help me?
Why can't I be happy as them?
Why am I suffering?
Why?


Why do people loves to take the easy way out?
Why can't they face the real fact?
Why can't they be normal?
Why can't they changed?
Why do people love to abuse themselves?
Why do they take risk of getting themselves in trouble?
Why do they do stupid things, knowing they are harming their body?


God, why do people do all these things?
Why do people invent such horrible apparatus?
Why they kept shooting their veins until it can't be seen?
Why do people play with these things?
Why can't they be more into becoming someone useful?
Why do they keep doing it knowing it's not even helping them to think?
God why do they do the things they do?
Why did you even create such thing in this world?
Why?


Suffering. Despair. Regrets. Hate. Anger. Sorrow. Fear.
Was that the reason?
Was this why people do what they do?
Is that really the easy way out?


NO!
I don't believe that!
You're just hurting yourselves more.
More SUFFERING!
More DESPAIR!
More REGRETS!
More HATE!
More ANGER!
More SORROW!
More FEAR!
It's not helping.
It's destroying you.
It's killing you.


Helping a man to earn a living?
Hah!
By getting yourself in trouble?
How honorable is that?
STUPID!
Not such a smart answer for a smart person.


I need to kill.
I need to kill someone.
I need to kill someone badly.
Yes.
Yes I'm insane.
Living in this world brings about my insanity that I need to kill someone.


Blood.
Let me see blood.
Let me.
Die.
..
.
.
.
.

Dear god,
Forgive me for what I've sinned.
Forgive those who have sinned to me.
Forgive all those people who have sinned to you.
For they are only human.
For they are your creations.
Please.
Bring them back to the light.
Let them be free from the black hole.
Give them hope to live again.
Set them free from misery for as I will bear that burden.

For all I know.
.
.
.
I'm just a sacrifice.
.
.
.

Take my life.
Let me leave this world.
For I can no longer bear to see.
Killing for the sake to killing.
Stealing for the sake of abusing.
Robbing for the sake of thrilling.
Lying for the sake of gaining trust.


I can't live in this world anymore.
Too much suffering I've felt.
A quarter of a century of my life is enough.
No more.


No.
I can't leave.
For my love one will be much more despair if I leave.
Hate.
Regrets.
Anger.
Sorrow.
Fear.


So tell me now.
What should I do?
Please.
Show me the way.
Guide me.
Help.


I need help.
I'm suffering.
Please.
Help..


4th April 2009, 3.37AM
RedRulz

What a start of 2009..

Again I apologized for the late update. Still it won't be about bitching something or about someone. Well someone maybe and probably it would be about me and everyone alike.



Feeling like shit and all, the beginning of 2009 is seriously fucked up. For those who are going to read further I give you in advance apologies, the word "fuck" will be frequently used in this entry because I'm pissed off with my fucked up life in the start of 2009.



So where shall I begin, first and for most, I am still in that new chapter of my life that I started about six months ago. It has been a bliss but now it's turning a bit of thunder storm and huge waves and earthquakes here and there. First fucked up life I'm having. I don't blame my partner because I know it's all my fault and I'm causing my partner to stressed up. I guess it is that time of the period where I turn to get curious and getting to find out more and then assumptions starts and fingers start to point. I guess I'm hell of a guy who always wants to put blames on everyone like as if they owe me my life. Fucking shit. I can't believe I'm turning to that type of person. What a fucked up person I am. Baby, if you're reading this I apologize for everything I've done. I'm really sorry. I guess it my doing and blaming on you and doubting you and not trusting you is causing the second fucked up of my life.



Yeah, the second, my fucking wallet that I bought for myself with my own hardworking fucking money is missing and what goes along with it is, my identification card, my army identification card, my SAFRA card, my Golden Village card, my Coffee Bean card, my vintage notes of $2, $5 and $10, my Get-A-Life card and loads of other cards that went missing. Fucking pissed off. Fuck sia, that wallet as I recalled only contain like $20 most with my vintage notes, fucking have the courtesy of at least returning my stuff and my wallet if you want my money. Fuck sia. To which fucking idiot son of a bitch mother found my wallet and didn't even have a courtesy to return it to me as my identification card have my home address, I curse you for life and 10 generation of debts until the 11th generation of your sons turns gay and screw your own family blood related male.


Lastly, the third fucked up of my life that happens today, $100 bill note went missing in my temporary wallet. Great. Just fucking great. Which ever fucking mother of a son found that money must be one fuckable guy.


I think the year 2009 for me is cursed, already the whole world is going crazy with wars and recession and political issues and stuff, fuck, I keep losing my money like they are dust blowed away by the wind. Goodness what FUCK did I do wrong in the beginning of my life in 2009. What a nice chapter to open. Fucked up life if RedRulz in 2009 the prequel. Goodness I feel like killing myself right now. One after another and I wonder when will it ends.


Screwed. When I try to be nice, shit happens. When I try to be kind, shit happens. When I am being honest, shit happens. Fuck! Is that how the world repay me?


Fine, it's not the world, it's me being careless and stupid. Yes. The stupidity of RedRulz Chapter 1. Fuck.


Fine. No more mister nice guy. No more smiles. No more sunshine. No more rainbows. This time I play it my way. Next time I find a phone, I'll keep it. Next time I found an identification card, I'll break it. Next time I found a master card, I'll spent it like no one business and the next time someone needs help, screw you..


3rd February 2009, 10:22PM
RedRulz

Finally..

Alright, screw introduction and I'll just go straight to the point.



Bangkok trip was great and we are going there again but lately I feel like I want to cancel my trip. I don't know why but it just had me thinking, I could have put that money for other good use. Regrettably, the tickets had been booked on the second day we've returned back to Singapore. Crazy I know. Without long thoughts we decided to just go. Well maybe they need not the long thoughts, I was the one who needed that long thoughts and my final decision is that I don't feel like going but since we've already booked things and stuff, I guess I have no choice but go with the flow.



Right now I'm working back in Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. Yeah like what the fuck am I working there again. Screw it. A job is better than having no job. Still suck la as I'm only earning below 1k. Haha. Yeah that's my target to bring back at least 1k each month but I still got long way to go. Nope I'm not a manager but just a small peanut barista. Haha. Oh in this case small coffee bean. Been working there for one month and a week. Kinda suck and feel over worked sometimes. Screw it as I'm a pantry maid. Fuck. Feel like a bitch/slut behind the gormet counter. What a story to tell my future children and grandchildren. The best suckiest thing is that since I'm nice to them, I feel like being stepped everytime. Screw it, that's me. A sole padding.



About a day back in bangkok or was it two days, I've open a new chapter. Yeah. No one special but I guess this one is special because we've known each other through the net for almost 3-4 years and only that day I decided to meet up. Well this chapter is going slow but as usual, paranoid and freaks and psychotic mind are coming back at the same time. Not to forget suspicion and assumption always occurs in my head and I don't like it when I'm right. Argh screw it. How I wish a brain bank exist so I can find a brain that doesn't have these characteristic so I can live and die happily.



So now we know what's in my mind and how fucking shitty I've been feeling for the past two month since my last update talking about government money and shits. Now it's my life my rules. Fucking-shit-pissed-off-screw-your-dad's-ass. I so need to drugged myself with lots of chill pill so I can overdose and stuck at Hougang Chalet. Sure that's will be my sanctuary big time. Haha.



Well right now what keeps my mind relax is this song. The information I've got from my manager, who is a Filipino by the way, this band is from the Philippines. Great lyrics and nice chilling tunes. Feel sad at first listening to the song but the lyrics is more than that. It's the kind of song where it motivates you to move on and go on with your life and there's no point in looking down. Just hold your head up high.



So enjoy the song, RedRulz is back. Sorry for the Silence all these while. I'll try to fill in more soon. I'll see ya when I see ya.




8th October 2008, 11:55 AM
RedRulz

Money Money Money.. Bangkok!!

Time has come for me to depart from Singapore. Haha. How corny that sounds? Well seems like finally I can put my mind at ease. No matter whether it's business or pleasure, going overseas never fails to relax me. Almost feel like teleporting into another world in another dimension (even though it's the same Earth I'm on).



Sometimes this wonders me that when I was in the army, I was so happy going to Pulau Tekong. I mean it's like hell for most of them but booking in never fails to make me happy. Maybe as long as I'm traveling overseas and it takes like 30-45 minutes journey it makes me happy. Sentosa not included. Come on, you could walk your way there. That's boring. No longer consider overseas in the case.



I guess this is the result of the standard of living in Singapore. Maybe we feel pressured and depress over inflation and all the hike in prices. Now lots of shops are like buying from either Malaysia, Indonesia or Thailand products and sold in Singapore in order to get more profits in order to survive.



No wonder now not many Singaporeans who are married either have one or two child only and special cases, none. Even having a child means money. First, when your wife is pregnant, get what ever she wants. Specific food, specific location and only a specific ways. Need to be pampered and cared. Attention. Go for check up appointment. Now this alone, petrol money (if you're driving), transportation money (those go green people taking public transport), food money, extra service charges (if it happens going to be in a restaurant) and other miscellaneous things (snacks, ice cream, drinks, toilet breaks, etc..) .



That's the first, the second part. Hospital bills. Once that baby pops out all your hard earn money like from 5k you save just gone in and instant. That's if your wife isn't choosy. What happen if she wants first class, private room, only family members allowed to be in the room other than doctors and nurses. Now that is going to cost a BOMB!



After that milk powder, diapers, baby soap and powders their tiny yet cute clothings, stroller, cradle, toys and all those sort of stuff. Gosh it's never ending. Now that is another BOMB!



Not forgetting, having a baby is not the only problem you have to settle, utility bills, phone bills, your own groceries and credit card bills and more never ending bills. Gosh, it's insane I tell you and now the government want us to create more babies? Haha. By giving a scheme of baby bonus and bla bla bla bla and all they give is like a one time figure, so what?



As normal as it looks, being Singaporean, many will really fall for it if they don't really think far. As much as the figures looks good, serious couple would have to look further and deeper before they would even want to have a child.



Take it for an example. They are giving about 7500 to last 2 years for your first and second new born child. 7500 for two years.. Hmm... Then about 14800 for two years for your third and fourth child.. Hmm... All looks good but one thing, how about they give a little extra on the hospital bills? Think about it.



Don't think I want to go far to the extend from age 1 - 6. You could look for yourself at this link.


So this is my advice to all Singaporeans, as much as the figures looks good. Think of the present and the future state you are at. I'm not saying the government is tricking us with their scheme (though I did sound like that in the beginning) it's just that look over your financial first before even taking the risk. Take it this way, if you can do and handle the above situation with ease of handling the bills without the help of the baby bonus, then I guess you can happily have that happiness. If not, better don't, unless you want to look at your baby as a burden. (gosh, that is totally sick minded of me.)


Take care peeps, going to get ready for Bangkok. I'm so not ready and can't believe the day have finally arrive. I'll have fun and be sure to hog longer to my blog when I come back. Hopefully I have the energy to blog about my outings and lots of pictures too. Haha. I see ya when I see ya.

(Damn schedule thingie, I wrote this at 22.08.2008 8:48PM)


RedRulz

First Step..

I've noticed that as time goes by, it seems like I've been updating lesser and lesser each month and not mentioning things that I've shouldn't be talking about. For example, my life. Haha! Then again, it is about my life and my rules so why should I give a damn about it if I ever want to talk about my life or whomsoever life that is.



So here I go again. It's been boring for the past few weeks not until now. Later today dated 18 August 2008 around afternoon hopefully after lunch I'll be going to an interview, like finally after like 8 bloody lame months. Well it's a job I've been thinking of going back. No not whoring. Not that I did before like EXCUSE me!



Let's just say it's my first real job in my life. Yeah. Coffee bean here I come. RedRulz gonna whip those cream.. Lame I know.. Hopefully the interview goes well and yes my dear Shewy if you're reading this, I'll serve you F.O.C. pasta if you ever visit my outlet. That is if I'm the only manager around. Haha.



Other than that nothing else troubling me just that I still feel trap like as if I'm being pinned down to the ground and being choked at the same time. It's like pilling up one by one, day by day. Luckily some part of me is still the same and should I say still sane.



As years goes by people change and people move on to another step and to another chapter in their lives. Like move on to better jobs to get a better pay, or pursuing a diploma or a degree to upgrade yourself for backup plans if something ever goes wrong, or getting married building a family to call your own and have kids and see them grow up and leading them to be a better person and all those really looks great.



As always there's always a but in what ever I say. But, will that happen to me in the near future? This year alone, two of my secondary school friends is already married. The dearest Mr. Hunk and the Ms. Smart that always tilt her head side ways when she's angry.



Looking at the current age now, I'm already 24 and so are they. Next year another two of my secondary school friends getting married too and it's kind of freaky seeing people move on with their life and I'm still stuck being me which always linger in the past and not moving forward.



I'm still stuck being just an 'O' level holder with 4 credits. A diploma dropout. No other skills. Not even a basic of formatting of a simple resume. Haha. I got to admit that yes I do learn about it but I totally forgot about it since I've only done it like, once in my poly years. Damn poly, I was so really determine to go back and I wasn't accepted.


Diploma first, now my family is bugging me to learn how to drive. When I told my family that I'm scared about driving because in my dream, I often dream that I'll have accident driving it. They will normally comfort me saying it's just a dream and normally it's always happen the opposite ways. So to make it simple the more accidents you dream, the safer your road will be. (Right..)


When I told my friends about my fears, they say then you shouldn't force yourself to take it if you have no confidence. Hmmm... Seems like I don't have support from my own friends. As much as I want them to say the same thing like how my family says, I guess I was wrong. So first battle between Family Vs Friends, 1 Family - 0 Friends. So I guess I'll take my driving license and yes my beloved Shewy and 2tie, we'll go to East Coast for dinner and yes I'll drive you guys around. Petrol is on you guys. Haha!


Hmmm.. Something struck me, I've been dreaming mostly are car crashes. So opposite is normally something smaller right? That means if I were to take a bike I'll experience the accidents? Hmm.. Bright side, bright side, they are just dreams.



So now what's troubling me? What's pinning me down to the ground and choking me at the same time making me difficult to breathe? Well, how do I juggle all of them?

1) Work

2) Oh I forgot to mention that next year I'm taking MDIS Information Technology that if I get the manager position at Coffee Bean.

3) Driving License.

4) Personal Family Affairs. (Yes, even a happy go lucky guy have internal family problems..)

So that just sums up everything.


But these are not the interesting thing that is about to happen. The interesting ones are the BANGKOK trip!! Yes, as from today it's like 4 days left!! Oh My Gawd! I love trips because trips means I'm free! Free from worries and burdens and it's like leaving everything behind and just bring yourself and PARTAY!! Yeah once you've come back from your holidays then you worried about it. Haha.


This Bangkok trip will be the first time ever with my close friends. Will be different from my Brunei and Taiwan trips because it's like with the army. Haha. Anyways, the suckiest part of this trip is that news have been reporting that there's a huge storm that is going to hit Bangkok between now and end of next month. HOW NICE! (that is what my Eagle Company of platoon 3 would say)


Yeah, strong winds, heavy rains and big waves like 4-5 meters high. Great,just great.Anyway I think this will be fun. I love strong winds and cold weather. So maybe it ain't that bad eh? At least if I were to die, I die happy. Right? Haha. Well what ever it is, hopefully the storm will not happen at all. Not this month not even next since it's the fasting month. Hopefully God is merciful to all of us.


Well then I better get going to rest as I got lots to talk about with the ADM. Haiz. I hope all goes well. Wish me luck.


RedRulz.

Killer....

As much as I wish I'm dead, well I'm still alive. Nope, I didn't tried to jump off the AYE fly-over yet. Not that I have the courage to do so but it's just that I feel I have something else more worth of doing then thinking of the faster way to die. Yeah, something keeps me pinned down to Earth so I keep on living and try to do what's best.



Haha. Sounds ludicrous right? I guess so.



But there's something in my mind keeps bothering me. I don't know if I ever going to be a criminal or ever going to appear in the newspaper front page with my face on it and the headlines written in bold and big fonts saying,"Unforgivable Serial Killer."



I don't know why, I just have this feeling like how is it feels like to kill someone? What will my reaction be when I kill someone? What will I do after I kill that someone?



These question keeps popping out of my mind like as if some bug have infested my brain poisoning with all these killing thoughts. Sometimes I would even think how much blood would ooze out once I stab them in the stomach or the chest or maybe the head.



Would a kitchen knife would be strong enough to go through a thick skull? Or would it get stuck and then blood gushes out spraying like a sprinkler on the backyard or would it be like water leaking out slowly from a lose pipe?



I had no idea why but lately I have this desire to kill someone. Not because I hate that someone or what but just random. Yeah. Have I gone mad? No. Just curious but my desire of killing someone doesn't really exceed to the extend that I would choose my target, stalking them and recording everything they do and then when I found a loophole for me to kill them I make my move.



Well, I suppose. Since I plan that out in an instant it does make a good plan. Haha. I think I've really gone mad. Or maybe these movies that I've been watching just makes me have this urge to kill someone. Either when I'm angry or just plain curious.



Maybe I should go to the police or probably a Psychiatrist. I don't know why. Sometimes when I look at someone, I just keep thinking how would he/she would react when I kill them. Their expression on their faces. Would they cry in pain? Panic? Scream when they saw blood gushing out? (Just a little bit side track, a friend of mine used to be afraid of blood. His own blood that is. He would feel giddy or maybe I suppose fainted when see his own blood. So imagine if I stab someone who have phobia of his own blood and see lots of blood coming out of his body, would he faint and not scream or he forgotten to scream in pain because of the overwhelming frighten of his own blood? Curious eh?)



Gosh, I've got to do something. Yeah, kill someone. In my dreams. Haha. Well not that I didn't do it before. In my dreams. Yeah I really did in my dreams. I pointed a gun or revolver or what ever it is in my hand (could be a pepper spray) pointed at a guy and shot him. The only sad part was that when I shot him, he disappeared from my sight. Not magically, I turn away. Haha.



Criminal minds. Freaky aren't they. Sometimes people aren't born criminals but happen to be a criminal tragically. So here comes the question,"What are they thinking when they are executing the crime? What is going on in their mind? Was it because of their desire so strong to achieve it in a bad way that it clouded their doubts to even worry of the consequences? Or was it that plain fun to them to do such things?"



I could add up more question but it leaves me to more question and no answers. Well actually there is answers but why in killing someone to be a solution? Take it if it's not a robbery or hijack but killing randomly without reasons. Why is that? Sometimes I wonder if my feeling of killing someone would lead me to become a random serial killer with no reasons but the curiosity of seeing blood flowing of a human body. Maybe I should be a doctor and work in the Operating Theater. Haha.



But again I would answer, it's not the same. Cutting a human body from the state of unconsciousness is different from someone who's conscious. Difference? One is sleeping soundly unaware of what's going on so when the skin is being cut on a numb skin by the what ever thing they use to make it numb no increase of blood pressure or screamed of pain or blood gushing out like a sprinkler. On the other hand, a conscious person would panic and scream in pain and the increasing rate of blood pressure will cause the blood gushing out like a sprinkler. Haha. Sadistic aren't I?



Remember Hannibal? Sometimes I also feel how is it.. Well you know, the taste of a brain. Human brain. I still remember those images. That an opened human skull and he's still conscious. His brain was being cut and cooked, fried I suppose and I do wonder how would it taste like since it looks soft. Must have been like MnMs. Melt in your mouth not in your hands but in this case the taste isn't candy chocolate.


Haha. I don't know what's going on in my head. Anyway it's not just recently I've felt this way, been a long time. Just that this year, it's stronger. Not to worry, I'm still sane. I won't do it these things. As curious I would get but I don't think I've broke the limitation of my insanity yet. Just don't make me insane. You don't want to be the first in my list. Well, make that second. I think I got my first. If he breech the limits.



RedRulz