Saturday, July 30, 2011


This is basically not an update of myself. This is a story when used to be best friends to become friends and then acquaintance and now total stranger which literally means, yes, no longer related with any form of ties what so ever. Pissed off? Yes I am until this very noon while I'm posting this post. Seriously I had enough of this fucker that does not even be deserve my words to call this fucker 'him' or 'her' or any sort of form to show kindness to this fucker. This fucker apparently does not understand the life or the way people are but this fucker only understand gossips and fucking gullible in listening to other people then judging it for it fuckerself. Sadly this fucker education level if much higher then I am as this fucker just graduate from Singapore Poly but what sadden me more that this fucker's english was worst them my colleage and she don't even when to a proper school. Frankly enough it's time for me to step up to this fucker and break ties once and for all and if you all read at it's scenario, I didn't have to say much. This fucker practically blabbered everything out but in the end this fucker swallow back his words like swallow back the spit that he spat on the floor and lick it back just to swallow it.

The following events have not been tormented not changed in nature of the story but characters in the story has been changed to protect the identity of this person. I'm so kind still changing their names but fuck care, that's who I am but this is the last straw. Starting tomorrow, the door to seek for my forgiveness will be closed forever until the day I die. Period. I'm not being emotional and all. I've just made my decision.

Z - This fucking Idiot.
T - The Victim.
R - The friend with values.
P - A friend and probably still.
M - God knows what this one treats me as.

Z:Hw r u buat ape (How are you? What are you doing)

T:Inventory. [was already rushing my work and I was a pissed off not because he text me, because a lot of things to do.]

Z:Kau eh org tanye khabar n baik cuba jawab baik2 tak leh ke? Dah kawan lama pun nak perangai2.. (You eh people ask story and good try answer nicely cannot meh? Old friends also want to attitude.) [This part it broke my limiters.]

T:Z I'm busy when I text one word.I'm sorry but I'm pissed off enough..I'm tight up with work.your words sometimes unreasonable.frankly speaking.Not only from me.From all of us. [Literally from all of us meaning everyone the fucker knows.]

Z:Ya I know, u n R talk abt me, n frankly speaking R does talk abt u also, so no surprise alrite. Likeiwse u when u talk to me yrs words r unreasonable n very rude N no respect, if u wanna talk abt reasonable u must respect ppl.. So T wake up alrite I realise a long time ago I dnt need frens like u who only need frens when it do n hilang bilang dah ada (disappear tell have already). So if nak ckp org tgk diri tu dulu (want to say people look at yourself first) atleast at least I dnt waste my life jus like tat.. U think I'm not piss w u all tis years? Tats y I stay away from both of u.. Especially u.. [my words unreasonable? when and what did I say that? and what's this about me wasting my life away? What are we talking about here? His content of topic is way out. I can't believe he's a poly grad seriously. Fuck! Did he bribe to pass his dip? I'm so honored to be the most-not-to-get-closed-with people]

Z:N btw tis issue it already done n over w longtime ago... If ppl nak ckp(want to say) abt me atleast I know my flaws n I'm nt as bad ass, if P n M dah ckp mcm gitu ape nak buat kan(say like that already what to do right).. Kata org pandai but diri sendiri tak tgk(Say people clever but your ownselves didn't see). I jus ignore wat u said to me all tis years, u think I'm nt piss off w u? Dah la(Enough la) T org mcm kau ni tak perlu nak ckp la(people like you don't need to say la).. I had enough of ppl like u seriously.. A simple hi hw r u can so difficult for u instead u sms me in a way just sometimes unreasonable. Say they say here. Dah la(Enough la) T don't bother replying back I don't think it worth for me to "cherish" ppl like u.. Gd luck n take care selamat berpuasa(happy fasting)..

T:What ever.seriously. [Honestly I really didn't want to reply but my fingers just auto reply back what this fucker loves to say to people as well.]

Z:Watever yrself la..

T:What ever Z. I won't lose much even u disregard me as a friend.cuz ppl change unlike u.

Y:Haha I laughed at it sorry eh aku tak contact kau lama sgt(I didn't contact you very long)
u won't c my recent status so jgn nak bebel byk sgt(don't want to blabber too much). Seriously is tat all u got to say abt me? I hv millions of issue I can put on table abt u.. Likewise me I dnt regards u as a fren way b4 u said tis. RegardllessI nv chg or chged is hw u c yrs true frens stick together. Not forget frens n comeback when u need them.. N btw talking abt chged I chg by nt layan(entertaining) u tat much... Its ironic to c ppl say ppl like tis like tat n nv chg whereelse the person itself dnt even look at his own shadow.. [Honestly this part I don't get it from the beginning of the message and only up to the ending or probably the middle I was still.... clueless.. seriously, this is what the fucker text me. And the fucker has a million issues to put on the table? Hmm.. let's start counting then if it reaches to a million. True friends stick together? Like glue? Gosh. The fucker is seriously such a lonely fucker and don't have a life. The fucker seriously so not independent and oh.. look at own shadow? Were you blinded with someone else's?]

T:Well ya. I regretted friending u.goodbye. [Literally I really do mean it. If only back then I didn't open up to this fucker. Probably this fucker will be a normal person but now, I've created a monster and goodbye was to end everything.]

Z:Lame. Friending me? ur nt a friends from like last time.. [Friends? There's two of me? Hmm.. Ya.. Not like last time.. Well fucker, like I've said, PEOPLE CHANGE and I'll add someone more to it, WE HAVE OUR OWN LIFE AND YOU ARE NOT PART OF IT.]

T:Fuck off. [In which I really mean it go away already and go fuck someone else]

Z:Fuck off, org. Bodoh je(stupid people) reply.. [...Speechless... I guess the fuckers head is seriously like a rock.. Can't absorb the words.. Or the fucker didn't get it..]

T:Literally fuck off. [Tried again and this time I mean it to 'Literally fuck off']

Z:So fuck w yrs. Inventory la.. [ 'So fuck with yours inventory la..'? What??]

S:For a poly graduate.your english is seriously fucked up.grow up already. [And I really mean it if all of you read back what this fucker type, this is what my niece or nephew would wrote!]

Z:Watever la atleast I graduated from poly nt like someone who drop out bcuz of someone oh oops should say kick out.. My dip is nt specialise in english. Lame duh so literally fuck off.. [Beginning part of the message I was furious but then turn into laughter at the end of it. LOOK!! The fucker reply 'Fuck Off'! The Fucker's really stupid! The Fucker just swallow back the fucker's own words!]
Z:So nak ckp org tgk diri tu eh
(want to say people look at yourself). Atleast I tried my best to finish up my study coming from someone who said my english nt good.... [Well duh.. at least I don't fake it and I manage to be somebody through my hard work]
Z:Dah T, I dnt wanna worst it out watever u think abt me, I can't do anything abt it, likewise me.. Sorry for my words take care...

Good luck to you and to your future miserable life with the people who actually really cherish you. Have a good fucked up life for as long as you lived and I pray for you that you will really have true friends in your life(probably by then it's too late). Not someone you dump and you pick back up and then dump again and pick up again. Gosh, you sure do like to spit and swallow. Goodbye once and for all FUCKERS!


Sunday, May 23, 2010


How should I put this..
Let it go..
Set it free..
At my own risk..
As much as I feel free..
In the end I'm in my own imprisonment of my heart..
You may see a smile spark from my face..
But at the end of the day..
I'm just that sad person always crying inside..
Always seeks happiness..
And the more I lived..
The more sadness builds around me..
So I think again..
If I can't find happiness within myself..
Let's find happiness with others..
It helps..
It does..
Feeling that comfort..
Feeling being needed..
Feeling alive..
But so happen my happiness with others..
Because at the end of the day..
I'm left alone again..
So again I think..
Thinking hard..
Let's find happiness in others..
It helps me too..
Happiness in others are happiness to me as well..
And with that..
I lived again..
But note this..
I'm still a sad person..
When I'm alone..
Always crying inside..
Always in the dark shadows..
With no lights..
No sunshine..
No rainbows..
No colours..
Just black..
Just white..
And all I asked for is..
Some colours..
I need to paint my picture..
Brightly again..
So please..
Help me..
Stay with me..
So please..
Understand me..
24th May 2010, 12:15pm

Sunday, May 2, 2010

My heart speaks again..

How I've longed to see you again
And I'm glad we finally did
Reminiscing about the past
Sure it was fun
Seeing each other laugh again
Seems like nothing have change
We're still together
But I accept the fact
You're someone else
And I'm someone else
Two separate worlds
Two separate person
We chose our own path
Now we're walking through it
Your life now aren't the same
So is mine
But sure we shared a common thing
We need a friend
So I thank you for being there
I thank you for the time
I wish there some thing more we could do
But I guess we couldn't
Seems so right but it's wrong
Seems so wrong but it feels right
Contradiction that's me
Complicated that's me
I don't want to lose you
I need to let you go
But I need you
Standing by my side
As my friend
Hope you understand
So forgive me friend
Because this feelings will never end
So let us be
So stay with me
3rd May 2010,11:47AM,Monday

Saturday, May 1, 2010

My heart speaks..

To someone very dear to me..
I live here on my knees
as I try to make you see
that you're everything I think
I need here on the ground

But you're neither friend nor foe
though I can't seem to let you go

The one thing that
I still know is that
you're keeping me down

You're on to me
and all over

Something always brings me back to you

It never takes too long
2nd May 2010, 11:40am, Sunday

Monday, May 25, 2009

The peak of my suffering..


That's something I don't have much.
Time, it's something I've wasted so much.
Time, it's something is precious to everyone.
Time, it's something I believe I'm running out of.

My heart pounding harder nowadays.
My brain feels dead.
My body feels light and heavy at the same time.
I feel tired all the time.

Is it time?
For me?
Is it a sign?
Or is it a warning?
I don't know.
What's wrong with me?

I can't sleep at night.
At times when I'm suppose to be sleeping, I'm walking.
I'm watching.
I'm typing.
I'm talking.
I'm playing.
But never sleep.

5 hours a day.
Am I destroying myself?
Or am I becoming Insomniac?
Why am I this way?
Why didn't I just go to sleep?
Why do I keep myself awake?
And why the short hours?
Was it because I'm scared to dream?

I'm the Dreamer.
The dreams that I dream came true.
Am I starting to fear my own dreams?
Or I just want myself to suffer?
I don't know what do I want anymore.
Seems to me my life is pointless.

Something I'm not good at handling.
Feels like giving up.
Am I giving up now?
Of the things I've been fighting for?
My own happiness.
My own peace.
My own love.
My love.

Why do they come out when I wanted to give up my life?
Do I feel regrets?
Am I scared of the pain?
Or I was thinking of the people that will mourn for me?
My friends.
My family.
My loved ones.
I suppose so.

So I must live on.
I need to see this chapter through.
I need to stay strong.
I need to be strong.
For my love one.
For my future.
For the sake of our future.
I need to know how the story continues.
And hopefully, it'll take to the end of my last breathe.
I love you.
So please stay with me.

I'm sorry.
I'm so into you.
I need you.
So please, stay with me.
I promise, I'm staying with you.
No matter what happens, I'll always love you.
Nothing can change my mind.
No one can change my mind but you.
As right now, I'm yours to command.
Call me crazy.
I am.
Crazy about you.

Together we are unstoppable.
Together we'll supporting one another.
In our ups and down.
We'll go through it all.
Together, we can accomplish anything.
And together, we are complete as one.
I love you.

25th May 2009, 9.50pm.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Forgive me...

I wish to live happy but sadness is what I got.
I wish to love somebody but in the end hating myself more.
I wish to live with someone but ended up they left me alone.
I just want to make them happy but I suffered instead.
What am I to this world?

Why life ain't happy always?
Why can't life be always full of laughter?
Why can't I enjoy all those?
Why do someone I love have to go?
Why did they choose that path?
How can they be so blind?

My life and theirs lived differently.
We both being brought up differently.
But I believe we both need someone to lean on.
So why can't they lean on to me?
Why do they always thinks they found a way but still doing the problems?
Was it all reasons or was it all fake?
Either way none solve their problems at all.

Why was I so blind?
Why didn't I see these coming?
Why am I being given this gift?
Why am I a dreamer?
Dreams that I have are opposite to the real world.
God, why did you gave me this gift?

Why only I feel this pain?
Why can't they feel what I feel?
Why can't normal people help me?
Why can't I be happy as them?
Why am I suffering?

Why do people loves to take the easy way out?
Why can't they face the real fact?
Why can't they be normal?
Why can't they changed?
Why do people love to abuse themselves?
Why do they take risk of getting themselves in trouble?
Why do they do stupid things, knowing they are harming their body?

God, why do people do all these things?
Why do people invent such horrible apparatus?
Why they kept shooting their veins until it can't be seen?
Why do people play with these things?
Why can't they be more into becoming someone useful?
Why do they keep doing it knowing it's not even helping them to think?
God why do they do the things they do?
Why did you even create such thing in this world?

Suffering. Despair. Regrets. Hate. Anger. Sorrow. Fear.
Was that the reason?
Was this why people do what they do?
Is that really the easy way out?

I don't believe that!
You're just hurting yourselves more.
More HATE!
More FEAR!
It's not helping.
It's destroying you.
It's killing you.

Helping a man to earn a living?
By getting yourself in trouble?
How honorable is that?
Not such a smart answer for a smart person.

I need to kill.
I need to kill someone.
I need to kill someone badly.
Yes I'm insane.
Living in this world brings about my insanity that I need to kill someone.

Let me see blood.
Let me.

Dear god,
Forgive me for what I've sinned.
Forgive those who have sinned to me.
Forgive all those people who have sinned to you.
For they are only human.
For they are your creations.
Bring them back to the light.
Let them be free from the black hole.
Give them hope to live again.
Set them free from misery for as I will bear that burden.

For all I know.
I'm just a sacrifice.

Take my life.
Let me leave this world.
For I can no longer bear to see.
Killing for the sake to killing.
Stealing for the sake of abusing.
Robbing for the sake of thrilling.
Lying for the sake of gaining trust.

I can't live in this world anymore.
Too much suffering I've felt.
A quarter of a century of my life is enough.
No more.

I can't leave.
For my love one will be much more despair if I leave.

So tell me now.
What should I do?
Show me the way.
Guide me.

I need help.
I'm suffering.

4th April 2009, 3.37AM

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

What a start of 2009..

Again I apologized for the late update. Still it won't be about bitching something or about someone. Well someone maybe and probably it would be about me and everyone alike.

Feeling like shit and all, the beginning of 2009 is seriously fucked up. For those who are going to read further I give you in advance apologies, the word "fuck" will be frequently used in this entry because I'm pissed off with my fucked up life in the start of 2009.

So where shall I begin, first and for most, I am still in that new chapter of my life that I started about six months ago. It has been a bliss but now it's turning a bit of thunder storm and huge waves and earthquakes here and there. First fucked up life I'm having. I don't blame my partner because I know it's all my fault and I'm causing my partner to stressed up. I guess it is that time of the period where I turn to get curious and getting to find out more and then assumptions starts and fingers start to point. I guess I'm hell of a guy who always wants to put blames on everyone like as if they owe me my life. Fucking shit. I can't believe I'm turning to that type of person. What a fucked up person I am. Baby, if you're reading this I apologize for everything I've done. I'm really sorry. I guess it my doing and blaming on you and doubting you and not trusting you is causing the second fucked up of my life.

Yeah, the second, my fucking wallet that I bought for myself with my own hardworking fucking money is missing and what goes along with it is, my identification card, my army identification card, my SAFRA card, my Golden Village card, my Coffee Bean card, my vintage notes of $2, $5 and $10, my Get-A-Life card and loads of other cards that went missing. Fucking pissed off. Fuck sia, that wallet as I recalled only contain like $20 most with my vintage notes, fucking have the courtesy of at least returning my stuff and my wallet if you want my money. Fuck sia. To which fucking idiot son of a bitch mother found my wallet and didn't even have a courtesy to return it to me as my identification card have my home address, I curse you for life and 10 generation of debts until the 11th generation of your sons turns gay and screw your own family blood related male.

Lastly, the third fucked up of my life that happens today, $100 bill note went missing in my temporary wallet. Great. Just fucking great. Which ever fucking mother of a son found that money must be one fuckable guy.

I think the year 2009 for me is cursed, already the whole world is going crazy with wars and recession and political issues and stuff, fuck, I keep losing my money like they are dust blowed away by the wind. Goodness what FUCK did I do wrong in the beginning of my life in 2009. What a nice chapter to open. Fucked up life if RedRulz in 2009 the prequel. Goodness I feel like killing myself right now. One after another and I wonder when will it ends.

Screwed. When I try to be nice, shit happens. When I try to be kind, shit happens. When I am being honest, shit happens. Fuck! Is that how the world repay me?

Fine, it's not the world, it's me being careless and stupid. Yes. The stupidity of RedRulz Chapter 1. Fuck.

Fine. No more mister nice guy. No more smiles. No more sunshine. No more rainbows. This time I play it my way. Next time I find a phone, I'll keep it. Next time I found an identification card, I'll break it. Next time I found a master card, I'll spent it like no one business and the next time someone needs help, screw you..

3rd February 2009, 10:22PM