Monday, May 25, 2009

The peak of my suffering..



Time.

That's something I don't have much.
Time, it's something I've wasted so much.
Time, it's something is precious to everyone.
Time, it's something I believe I'm running out of.

My heart pounding harder nowadays.
My brain feels dead.
My body feels light and heavy at the same time.
I feel tired all the time.

Is it time?
For me?
Is it a sign?
Or is it a warning?
I don't know.
What's wrong with me?

I can't sleep at night.
At times when I'm suppose to be sleeping, I'm walking.
I'm watching.
I'm typing.
I'm talking.
I'm playing.
But never sleep.

5 hours a day.
Am I destroying myself?
Or am I becoming Insomniac?
Why am I this way?
Why didn't I just go to sleep?
Why do I keep myself awake?
And why the short hours?
Was it because I'm scared to dream?

I'm the Dreamer.
The dreams that I dream came true.
Am I starting to fear my own dreams?
Probably?
Or I just want myself to suffer?
I don't know what do I want anymore.
Seems to me my life is pointless.

Pressured.
Something I'm not good at handling.
Feels like giving up.
Am I giving up now?
Of the things I've been fighting for?
My own happiness.
My own peace.
My own love.
My love.

Tears.
Why do they come out when I wanted to give up my life?
Do I feel regrets?
Am I scared of the pain?
Or I was thinking of the people that will mourn for me?
My friends.
My family.
My loved ones.
Yes.
I suppose so.

So I must live on.
I need to see this chapter through.
I need to stay strong.
I need to be strong.
For my love one.
For my future.
For the sake of our future.
I need to know how the story continues.
And hopefully, it'll take to the end of my last breathe.
I love you.
So please stay with me.

I'm sorry.
I'm so into you.
I need you.
So please, stay with me.
I promise, I'm staying with you.
No matter what happens, I'll always love you.
Nothing can change my mind.
No one can change my mind but you.
As right now, I'm yours to command.
Call me crazy.
I am.
Crazy about you.

Together we are unstoppable.
Together we'll supporting one another.
In our ups and down.
We'll go through it all.
Together, we can accomplish anything.
And together, we are complete as one.
I love you.

25th May 2009, 9.50pm.
RedRulz

Friday, April 3, 2009

Forgive me...

I wish to live happy but sadness is what I got.
I wish to love somebody but in the end hating myself more.
I wish to live with someone but ended up they left me alone.
I just want to make them happy but I suffered instead.
What am I to this world?


Why life ain't happy always?
Why can't life be always full of laughter?
Why can't I enjoy all those?
Why do someone I love have to go?
Why did they choose that path?
How can they be so blind?


My life and theirs lived differently.
We both being brought up differently.
But I believe we both need someone to lean on.
So why can't they lean on to me?
Why do they always thinks they found a way but still doing the problems?
Was it all reasons or was it all fake?
Either way none solve their problems at all.


Why was I so blind?
Why didn't I see these coming?
Why am I being given this gift?
Why am I a dreamer?
Dreams that I have are opposite to the real world.
God, why did you gave me this gift?


Why only I feel this pain?
Why can't they feel what I feel?
Why can't normal people help me?
Why can't I be happy as them?
Why am I suffering?
Why?


Why do people loves to take the easy way out?
Why can't they face the real fact?
Why can't they be normal?
Why can't they changed?
Why do people love to abuse themselves?
Why do they take risk of getting themselves in trouble?
Why do they do stupid things, knowing they are harming their body?


God, why do people do all these things?
Why do people invent such horrible apparatus?
Why they kept shooting their veins until it can't be seen?
Why do people play with these things?
Why can't they be more into becoming someone useful?
Why do they keep doing it knowing it's not even helping them to think?
God why do they do the things they do?
Why did you even create such thing in this world?
Why?


Suffering. Despair. Regrets. Hate. Anger. Sorrow. Fear.
Was that the reason?
Was this why people do what they do?
Is that really the easy way out?


NO!
I don't believe that!
You're just hurting yourselves more.
More SUFFERING!
More DESPAIR!
More REGRETS!
More HATE!
More ANGER!
More SORROW!
More FEAR!
It's not helping.
It's destroying you.
It's killing you.


Helping a man to earn a living?
Hah!
By getting yourself in trouble?
How honorable is that?
STUPID!
Not such a smart answer for a smart person.


I need to kill.
I need to kill someone.
I need to kill someone badly.
Yes.
Yes I'm insane.
Living in this world brings about my insanity that I need to kill someone.


Blood.
Let me see blood.
Let me.
Die.
..
.
.
.
.

Dear god,
Forgive me for what I've sinned.
Forgive those who have sinned to me.
Forgive all those people who have sinned to you.
For they are only human.
For they are your creations.
Please.
Bring them back to the light.
Let them be free from the black hole.
Give them hope to live again.
Set them free from misery for as I will bear that burden.

For all I know.
.
.
.
I'm just a sacrifice.
.
.
.

Take my life.
Let me leave this world.
For I can no longer bear to see.
Killing for the sake to killing.
Stealing for the sake of abusing.
Robbing for the sake of thrilling.
Lying for the sake of gaining trust.


I can't live in this world anymore.
Too much suffering I've felt.
A quarter of a century of my life is enough.
No more.


No.
I can't leave.
For my love one will be much more despair if I leave.
Hate.
Regrets.
Anger.
Sorrow.
Fear.


So tell me now.
What should I do?
Please.
Show me the way.
Guide me.
Help.


I need help.
I'm suffering.
Please.
Help..


4th April 2009, 3.37AM
RedRulz

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

What a start of 2009..



Again I apologized for the late update. Still it won't be about bitching something or about someone. Well someone maybe and probably it would be about me and everyone alike.



Feeling like shit and all, the beginning of 2009 is seriously fucked up. For those who are going to read further I give you in advance apologies, the word "fuck" will be frequently used in this entry because I'm pissed off with my fucked up life in the start of 2009.



So where shall I begin, first and for most, I am still in that new chapter of my life that I started about six months ago. It has been a bliss but now it's turning a bit of thunder storm and huge waves and earthquakes here and there. First fucked up life I'm having. I don't blame my partner because I know it's all my fault and I'm causing my partner to stressed up. I guess it is that time of the period where I turn to get curious and getting to find out more and then assumptions starts and fingers start to point. I guess I'm hell of a guy who always wants to put blames on everyone like as if they owe me my life. Fucking shit. I can't believe I'm turning to that type of person. What a fucked up person I am. Baby, if you're reading this I apologize for everything I've done. I'm really sorry. I guess it my doing and blaming on you and doubting you and not trusting you is causing the second fucked up of my life.



Yeah, the second, my fucking wallet that I bought for myself with my own hardworking fucking money is missing and what goes along with it is, my identification card, my army identification card, my SAFRA card, my Golden Village card, my Coffee Bean card, my vintage notes of $2, $5 and $10, my Get-A-Life card and loads of other cards that went missing. Fucking pissed off. Fuck sia, that wallet as I recalled only contain like $20 most with my vintage notes, fucking have the courtesy of at least returning my stuff and my wallet if you want my money. Fuck sia. To which fucking idiot son of a bitch mother found my wallet and didn't even have a courtesy to return it to me as my identification card have my home address, I curse you for life and 10 generation of debts until the 11th generation of your sons turns gay and screw your own family blood related male.


Lastly, the third fucked up of my life that happens today, $100 bill note went missing in my temporary wallet. Great. Just fucking great. Which ever fucking mother of a son found that money must be one fuckable guy.


I think the year 2009 for me is cursed, already the whole world is going crazy with wars and recession and political issues and stuff, fuck, I keep losing my money like they are dust blowed away by the wind. Goodness what FUCK did I do wrong in the beginning of my life in 2009. What a nice chapter to open. Fucked up life if RedRulz in 2009 the prequel. Goodness I feel like killing myself right now. One after another and I wonder when will it ends.


Screwed. When I try to be nice, shit happens. When I try to be kind, shit happens. When I am being honest, shit happens. Fuck! Is that how the world repay me?


Fine, it's not the world, it's me being careless and stupid. Yes. The stupidity of RedRulz Chapter 1. Fuck.


Fine. No more mister nice guy. No more smiles. No more sunshine. No more rainbows. This time I play it my way. Next time I find a phone, I'll keep it. Next time I found an identification card, I'll break it. Next time I found a master card, I'll spent it like no one business and the next time someone needs help, screw you..


3rd February 2009, 10:22PM
RedRulz